Well, Would YOU stick a matchstick up her butt!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!?

Now this is a title that REALLY demands an explanation! Doug and I are now Petco Puppy Kindergarten dropouts, after one day. We had an experience with a trainer that I am finding to be just plain out bizarre! Have you ever had one of those experiences where you hear something, and then your head goes into this twilight zone where you try to figure out if you REALLY heard that? Like maybe, you just had this little hiccup in your ear or something, and No-she-did-not say that?

Except she did.

Doug and I joined one of those obedience classes for new puppies to just work on the basic commands. . . like walk on a leash, don't eat the guests.

We should have been suspicious when it turned out that we were the only ones in the puppy class.

The trainer asked how it was going with housetraining, and we said that it was really going quite well, better than expected. The intrepid little Ruby does have occasional poddy accidents in the house, but we're pretty pleased about how that's going. Could we get some suggestions for walking on a leash.

I swear, the woman has an anal fixation!

She said we HAD to reward Ruby with a treat outside every times she goes. OK, we could do that. . . can't see what it would hurt, except to be a nuisance, since she does this just fine.

And THEN she said, (and not even Dave Barry would make this up!), "And to get her to poop, light a match, put vaseline on it, and stick it up her butt."

"What?" And my brain does this strange sloshing from side to side in my skull at this point, thinking it's maybe like lighting a match if someone makes the rest room unusually stinky.

And she says, "Well, not lit still of course. Ha Ha."

"Why? She goes just fine!"

"Because she'll push against it, just like you did with your babies and thermometers." (ummmmm, no!)

She said we could not get a refund after that evening. We went into Petco and got a refund of $99.95 the next morning.

This little gem of wisdom was also mixed in with extensive hawking of the Petco products, and telling us that most likely Ruby would need intensive individual training by her privately, because she's "a certified dog trainer with 50 years experience." (She looked to be about 55 years old, so she must of started with butts and matchsticks at about the age of 5!)

Any other Petco customers wandering by were also fair prey for her to promote her therapeutic methods at her private business as well. She told one couple who was expecting a baby in a few weeks that their large boxer, who had recently been attacked by another dog that their dog could now later shows signs of trauma, and their baby could be at risk. She gave the couple her card.

She also taught us the "Therapeutic Grab and Hug" for "brain recovery," which all puppies need. (?) This involved rolling Ruby over on her back, sticking our hands in her mouth, and as she'd tried to bite, growling/shrieking "Off!" , with our other hand in a claw as if to strike at her, and as she stopped biting (or cowered) massaging her vigorously all over.

I know some trainers do recommend alpha rolls and dog massage, but someone please tell me it doesn't start with this harsh approach to a 10 week old puppy!



So here's the reason Doug and I continue to be tired, but you know what? She's not nearly as tiring as making sense of some of the craziness out there!